f8 show thy force

in reply to rachel's and stef's posts because i've thought about the same things only that i never really knew how to word it out.

the feeling of bitterness isn't there anymore, although there is the longing to be one of the exclusive few who can go overseas to study, or even better, do so on a scholarship, the path that is supposed to be a guarantee of success and hence happiness. all this i just conveniently blame it on the "grass is always greener on the other side" syndrome. but even this longing is fading. i'm going to give myself plenty of time for these feelings to ebb away, after all, i spent more time last year dreaming and researching abt overseas studies than actually studying for my exams.

perhaps it was the action of the herd that blinded us to all the problems of actually going overseas; we only saw the exciting courses, the road trips we could take, the interaction with students from all sorts of places. we never saw things like campus security, assimilation or even something as simple and as unexciting as homesickness. it's ironic how the movement of the herd managed to convince or maybe inform one that because one is of the herd one is thus capable of such great things in life. then one is automatically disappointed when one is unceremoniously told that one is unworthy of a position in the desired u because it just feels like a complete and cruel denial of one's very evident abilities.

it's not easy being the creme de la creme for so long then having to be told that you're just the bottom 25% percent of the school. it's funny how some cold little numbers can destroy one's self-worth so easily and subtly. they just eat at you until you're wallowing in a puddle of self-doubt. despite all that we know of our own intellect and how deep inside we know that half of the people going overseas are not as funny or nearly as quick on their feet as us, we cannot help but feel slightly unsure of where we actually stand in this world now because of one tiny exam which most people take to be the measure of all 19 years of our lives when it's just 2 years of studying, maybe less. how pathetic the human life is when it is reduced to a piece of paper which is not even A4 size nor laminated.

i thought i would deeply resent going to nus, which is strange because i always thought i would go there until rj. it's sad how rj opened my eyes to a whole world out there but the window of dreams just slammed shut on me, the feeling of having something so near yet so damn far away is a painful one but i don't feel angry. i'm actually mildly sort of looking forward to it, of course i'm afraid of the hard work, the crap some people will give me because i'm a rafflesian and all but hey, i'll take it like a true rg girl.

in a way this rejection has made me more determined to work hard. for too long i've been coasting along, and i'm actually pretty proud that i've managed to do so for so long, because i've been a little more lucky in some aspects than others. i have decided that i will not take mediocrity for an answer anymore because i am capable of greater things. i will do well, better than those overseas just so i can answer to myself because i think it's wrong that i've been given so much when i fritter it all on meaningless activities. a better education at a far more reasonable price, a bargain always gets s'poreans happy right?

i guess it's not too late for a new year's resolution, eh?