f8 show thy force

a new year, a new beginning. how absolutely hackneyed.

i will be turning 20 this year, would this be a new beginning? perhaps my new year should always start on my birthday. i used to hope for birthday presents every year. i would draw out a list in my mind and wish that i'll be able to check against those items because that was happiness, a personal achievement of sorts, as transient as the initial joy of getting what you want is. the presents grew more expensive as i grew older, bigger, fancier presents that were supposed to be all that i wanted. the joy that i derived on getting such gifts diminished with the increasing cost, how odd that the enjoyment did not vary with the cost.

then i stopped wanting things because i learned that if i held off the yearning long enough i would forget it. i also thought i wanted nothing. have you thought like that before? there is nothing in the world that you want badly enough, nothing to propel you from where you are. you have no idea what could possibly occupy your fleeting attention. every obsession of yours consume all of you for that infinitesimal moment, you scare even yourself with the sort of passion you display for whatever was the flavour of the week. things that you were once so stubborn about suddenly don't quite matter, people don't matter either. you're not too sure what's keeping you moving, if it's inertia or momentum.

you know what i want for my birthday this year? i want a map. i need a map. every thing in my life, our lives, have been so neatly laid out. it's a huge game of snakes and ladders where rules existed then slowly removed themselves as we climbed higher and higher. i always moved from one ladder to another, a slow plodding sort of ascension to the top but where is the top really? kindergarten, primary school, streaming, EM1, psle, secondary school, streaming again, O levels, junior college, A levels, university. what next? choices that could take you anywhere. unfortunately, this is not an open end sort of book where the different pages you flip to can take you to different endings. you can't flip around to find all the varying endings then decide if you want that to happen to the protagonist, you.

i think i've not been this frightened in my life. where do i go from here?